I read this post yesterday from The Writing Mother. She writes about how writing takes away from her family time and she says:
We don’t ask our husbands to watch the kids so we can go off and do something we want. Right?
Well, why the hell not? I know it’s hard to juggle and be everything to everybody. I know it’s hard to set boundaries. And I certainly know how little time we have to devote to things that we want. But when what you want is key to feeding your individuality and mental health why shouldn’t we ask?
I’m not saying screw everyone else – look out for #1 but I am saying that doing what you need to do to be happy is important to the other members of your family too. Take time for yourself. Even if it’s only a 1/2 hour out of one day a week. Take that time. People will live without you for 30 minutes. Nobody is going to feel neglected because you hid in the bathroom and soaked with your current read or because you scurried out to Starbucks to tap on your laptop. Newsflash. They will live. They will be happy to see you return. They will respect your time and you will be able to focus without resentment on their needs once you put your own to bed.
I’m writing this post because this is the second time in as many days that I’ve read about the guilt. The other time was on twitter with my lovely friend Genevieve. We were talking about writing and things that we don’t necessarily love about the process….
to which I responded
So, how’s your Mommy Guilt? Do you feel it? Do you push it aside or do you let it overcome you? If you’ve got any tips for working through it or any stories to share please do so in comments. I know there are a lot of you out there who find yourselves spread thin and who might be feeling a bit lost in terms of balancing home life with your creative life so come say hi!
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I think it’s easy for mom’s to get the mommy guilt when they aren’t surrounded by people who encourage their individuality. I get caught in up everyone else’s needs that I forget about my own. I get so consumed with getting kids dropped off and picked up on time, cooking meals everyone will eat, making sure everyone’s got clean clothes I forget to take care of the mommy! I’m thankful I have a husband who will gently nudge me to take a self indulging moment. He’s very crafty in how he does it (subtle questions about how a craft or the blog is going) but I totally love him for it!
Yea, I have some mommy guilt… most of the time it’s not necessarily attached to my writing. I don’t have a spouse to take the load off so when I am writing, working, relaxing (on the off chance) then it’s my teenager (almost my kid!) who takes up the slack. Now, if I’ve reached the end of my rope then I have to take a timeout whether my teen is home or not.
I think my guilt normally centers around not being the nicest, most patient mom that I can be, but I would be – I hope – that way if I had more quiet time or time for myself to do some of the things I like to do. I am away from all family raising four children, going through a divorce and struggling financially. I often feel like I don’t deserve a break. But it’s a catch 22.
I’ve written about mommy guilt on my From Toddlers2Teens blog… I think I’ve written about it on my main blog too, but I don’t remember. I wonder if there’s a “cure” for this guilt. There has to be a way to refuel and do something one loves without feeling like it shouldn’t be done.
Heck yes. This is all too familiar. After family & work, there is hardly enough of me to go around – if I’m being Super Mommy once & a while, I get the work-guilt for letting that slide…garumph…I often wish I could clone myself!
I have a housecleaning service that comes in twice a month since I can’t seem to keep up & I even feel guilty about that for some absurd reason.
I hold on to guilt fiercely. Somehow in the back of my head, if I let go of the guilt, it would mean I was bad mommy and self centered.
So I hold onto guilt and somedays, seems like I find myself searching for more.
This is such a huge topic, it’s hard to know where to start. But here’s what it comes down to for me: I am a better mom when I’ve had time alone, no matter what I do during that time (write, garden, email, grocery shop, volunteer work, surf the web, etc.) This past week my youngest son stopped napping and preschool is out for the summer. This means I suddenly lost 16 hours of weekly time I used to have alone. It’s clear that if I don’t find a way to get a fraction of that time back, I will become a very short-tempered, mean mommy. So for the entire family’s sake, my personal time is essential.
But there’s another guilt to work on, too: writing guilt. For example, I’m taking time from my precious hour of writing to post here rather than work on my own stuff. Since I don’t make money from my writing, does it really matter? And is posting here important? Does it make me a better writer in the same round about way time away from my kids makes me a better mom?