Canadian Winter Survival Skills That Have Turned on Me.

A Seldom Seen apparatus in my home

As a Canadian gal, there are many things I do to survive the winter temperatures of the great white north.  These techniques are severely backfiring on me now that it’s summer – and I’m preggo.  For those of you of the male variety, being pregnant increases your body temp as well as your inability to handle being over heated resulting in severe ‘bitchiness’ according to a certain spouse of mine.

These two circumstances (summer and pregnancy) have resulted in me rethinking my winter survival tactics because as of yesterday…the first warm day of the year, I felt like the wicked witch of the west because the only thing that went through my head was ‘I’m melting! Melting!’

Canadian Winter Survival Skills that Have Turned on Me.

#1 – Develop a healthy addiction to Tim Horton’s Coffee – There’s something about Tim Horton’s coffee that warms you like no other cup can.  I’m not certain what they do to it but I’m willing to bet there’s some sort of additive besides the caffeine that has a huge number of Canadians lining up for their daily cup.  Being pregnant, I am trying to go easy on the caffeine (it’s not great for baby, and it raises your body temp) but it’s proving to be extremely difficult to give up the Timmies.

#2 – Put a feather duvet on your bed – this expensive necessity for surviving a cold night has been left wadded up at the foot of my side of the bed for a few months now… considering my husband has been freezing to death and trying to pull it up on his side, it’s resulted in an inharmonious state in our marital bed.

#3 – Avoid shaving at all costs – during winter months, an extra layer of fur can help prevent you from freezing to death as you pump gas, bring in groceries or wait in line at Timmy’s (yes, the line is long enough to go outdoors.)  Do not shave your fur off if you want to live, at any point during the winter.

#4 – Cover every exposed inch of skin with some kind of garment – Never let your skin meet the frigid air of the outdoors.  You must wear gloves, scarves, toques, wool socks, long pants, sweaters etc.  This is just common sense people.  If your skin is bare…you will freeze.

#5 – A combination of #2 and #3…never wear shorts – due to the fact that you haven’t shaved in months AND your skin is beyond white from lack of exposure to air and sun, never…I mean NEVER wear shorts.  It’s not right to expose the general population to the abomination of female gams that are Canadian post- winter legs.  Shorts aren’t allowed unless you’ve been faithfully visiting a tanning salon all winter.  And even then, an appointment with one of those evil waxing ladies is priority 1.  As I have neglected to meet either of these conditions, my legs usually go no less clad than capri pants.  Ankles can be de-haired easily.

Yesterday, as I met with our first heat wave of the summer, I realized that it was not the pregnancy biting me in the ass.  No, it was my Canadian-ism.  I have since shaved off all my fur, bought a pair of shorts AND curbed my Tim’s addiction.

Consider yourselves warned.

photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/cristic/


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Comments

  1. Uh Oh a pregnant woman with no timmies. Where do you live again? LOL. I have been there 2X with pregnancy and summer and it sucks. I have been a much happier mama when pregnant over the winter.

  2. LOL! I so understand!!! When I was pregnant with Lauren, I was huge in the middle of December (She was born in January). I slept with the window open AND the fan on. Adam was NOT impressed.

    And then there was a day when I was on hospital bedrest with Jillian.. The A/C went HAYWIRE in the hospital and I was right under a vent… I called my nurse for another blanket. She said “I can get them to turn the A/C down!” I said “NO! DON’T! I can always ADD layers, it’s been SO hot in here before!!!”

    • oh being hot in the hospital is the worst…it’s those damn plastic sheets and pillows they use. Horrid. Borders on torture!

  3. Bwahahahahahah hilarious! Thank you for a great Monday morning post Heather. As I sit here on my deck, drinking my Timmies coffee (the line up wasn’t too bad this morning, only about 8 cars long when I showed up) and sunning my (shaved) legs, I am celebrating summer! Winter lasts 90% of the year for us so I take it when I can get it.

  4. I can commiserate… tho not Canadian, I have used these same tactics as a Wisconsinite! I am pass baby days and sans the parts necessary to carry, so I get the hot flashed moments of sweat anytime day or night… I used to be the one who wore flannels year round along with fuzzy footies(socks) on my feet, because if my feet are cold I am not sleeping… who would ever think you could actually miss those days sometimes?? hugs, Heather…
    shall I pass the ice cube tray??

  5. LOL — ahhh, I remember all of the blankets being cast off to the foot of the bed. I WISH I’d been pregnant during the winter . . .or during Canada. But, no, I was in Houston during one of the hottest summers on record. Not. Fun.

    I wish we had Tim Horton coffee down here — my husband and I have been wanting to try it ever since we saw a documentary on it. Maybe someday we’ll make it up north for a cuppa.

  6. Heather,

    Oh, dear. This one is a hoot! Please don’t take this as being insensitive or as making fun, but you had me loling all over the place.

    Hairy Alaska Guy feels your pain and I think I’ll do a sympathy shave.

    George

  7. Funny! Although it really sounds like you live in the NE US. We even have a Timmies back home where I grew up. We all wear shorts, but you just have to make sure you have sunglasses so you’re not blinded when the sun reflects off people’s skin when the first heat wave hits.

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