I don’t even know how to believe that much time has passed.
I remember it all so vividly, even though I had been through hell and back and was slightly drugged up. I remember the sound of your voice. The way you smelled. How your face was scrunched up at the nose. I remember wonder and pain and fear and confusion and love. So much love flooding every bit of me.
And it was all for you.
It still is all for you.
You’re just as feisty as ever. You love books just like I do. You like to control everything you can possibly control – especially your little brother. Even though he steals your stuff you love him with all your heart. You’re smart as a whip and nothing gets past you. You are beginning to realize that sometimes, giving up something you want will get you more in the end even though it’s hard to make a choice. You still hate sleeping and wake to call for me in the night. I grumble and go to you but I secretly love the way you look when you’re body is half asleep but your mind refuses to give into slumber.
You’re the apple of your Daddy’s eye and he lets you manipulate him.
This year we just moved and it was really hard for me to make your cake myself. Grandma ordered this one from Safeway and you loved it just as much as any cake you’d had before. I don’t understand it but you really like Hello Kitty. We’ve indulged you as much as we can.
You start Kindergarten in the fall and you’re excited about it. I’m excited for you to go and I try not to think how much it signifies your growth. It’s one of the largest milestones you’ll have in your life, this start to formal education. I try to focus on how much you’ll love it and forget about how much less I’ll see you every day.
Five years old. Sometimes I think it’s gone by so slowly and then there are days where I marvel at how quickly it’s all gone by. I look at you and wonder where my baby went. The baby who always wanted to be in my arms. The one who cried for me as I dropped her off at daycare. The baby who couldn’t speak yet said much with the spark in her eyes. You still have that spark. I hope you always will. It glimmers from within you and it’s part of who you are at your core. I wonder where that spark will take us over the next year.
I love you little girl. With everything I have.