Breathing Room

There are times in life when you want everything to be ok but don’t want to hope just in case. Such times include the first stages of pregnancy.

In case things don’t work out.

In case it hurts.

In case it changes who you are.

In case your heart breaks.

In case you can’t go back.

8 weeks ago I realized I was late.  Yes, that kind of late.  My suspicions were confirmed when I saw the word ‘pregnant’ on one of those fancy digital tests you can get now.  A month went by and for that entire 4 weeks amongst the nausea and exhaustion I felt joy, anticipation and love for the new baby that was going to be a part of our family.

And then I saw blood.

Immediately I put my emotions in check.  Don’t get attached.  Don’t believe.  Don’t love it yet. This could end at any moment and life will go back to they way it was before.  Or would it?  I wondered if I would be the same afterward.  If I would break a little inside or if I would absorb the pain and grow from it.  Would it change things between my husband and I?  Would there be blame, understanding or distance between us?

We sat through a doctor’s appointment in an emergency after hours weekend clinic.

I had some blood tests and an Ultrasound.

The tests told us there really was a baby and this baby did in fact have a good heartbeat. We also learned it was the right size and that meant it was developing on schedule.  They told us there was a bleed on the edge of the placenta and we basically had a coin toss type situation.  Things could go on and the baby could grow or it was possible that it wouldn’t.  We just had to wait it out.  Then the bleeding stopped and I continued to feel tired and nauseous and hope crept in.  Maybe things would be ok. Maybe I could hope again.

Then there was more blood.  More doctors appointments.  More uncertainty and I built more walls around my heart and I withdrew a little bit from life while I tried to sleep and not think about it all too much.

This brings us to now.  I’m 12 weeks along and have just had another ultrasound.

Again, it showed us that the baby is the right size and that it had a healthy heartbeat.  I saw fingers, arms, legs, a stomach, brain, bladder and spine.

our newest family member

They did not see any bleeding.  It seems to have healed and I’m starting to feel healed as well.  Starting to hope again and put my heart into this pregnancy.  I want to let myself enjoy this period of time.  I want to let myself love this baby and believe that on October 27th or thereabouts we’ll be meeting the newest member of this family.  It’s going to take a bit more time before I’m really there and really believing that everything is ok.  For now, I have a bit of breathing room.  And it feels good.



  1. I love your honesty. I was on pins and needles until that 20 week ultrasound. I was so worried. It is very hard not to be attached, but think positively.

    • Thank you Kathy! Things have been going well the past week or so and that positivity is getting easier and easier which is nice 🙂

  2. I felt this way my entire pregnancy. There were no complications, but after a decade of trying, and being 40 years old, part of me couldn’t believe we were finally going to have a child. I didn’t fully accept that DD was really coming until the 30 week mark.

    My prayers are with you for a healthy child.
    .-= Robin´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Going & Going & Going =-.

    • Thanks Robin, it’s hard not to have that doubt isn’t it? There are so many heartbreaking stories out there (which I try not to read…but ya know how that is!)

  3. I felt the same way with all 4 of my pregnancies….the constant wonder and worry and the fear that if I let myself love too soon it would end. And in some weird way it was that worry that got me through, that made it so much more real when it actually was alright.

    I love your honestly and could feel every bit of emotion through your words.

    I wish you all the best and hope that October brings you incredible joy and happiness!
    .-= Allison ´s last blog ..My Child Needs Glasses…Now What? =-.

    • Thanks for such kind words Allison! And I agree, the worry and the doubt makes the love much more powerful once it all becomes ‘real’ (which isn’t the right word, but I hope you get what I mean!)

  4. Oh I’m so glad the bleed seems to have resolved itself. My older sister bled on and off during her second pregnancy. She thought for sure that she had lost the baby at least three times during the duration of the pregnancy. And yet, that baby was born healthy and screaming right on schedule.

    Hang in there. Glad you get to breathe a bit.
    .-= Jessica (@ It’s my life…)´s last blog ..The Novel: Chapter one =-.

    • Apparently, this is much more common in second pregnancies….things you wish you knew ahead of time right? Commonality doesn’t stop the panic from setting in though. It was good to see you, thanks for stopping in!

  5. Oh, I know how that feels, I lost my two previous pregnancies to miscarriage. At 6 weeks I started bleeding, turns out I had a bleed in my placenta. The bleeding has stopped now but it was terrifying!!

    • I’m sorry for your losses and happy that the bleeding has stopped. I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months!!

  6. I saw blood twice as well. A little farther along than you (I think 16 and 19 weeks), and it was VERY worrisome, especially when you count down to that magic 12 week mark when you think you’re in the clear. Also, when my wataer broke at 29 weeks, 3 days, all of those feelings kept coming back.

  7. I’m due in October as well. I’m super nervous and scared to get attached too. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago around the 9 week mark. It was hard but I’m ready now. Positive vibes!

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