Last night, I ran a bath for myself. I filled it with scented bubbles and surrounded it with fragrant candles. I floated there, in the warmth and watched the light dance around me. Snow was falling outside the window as I read and all was quiet aside from the water lapping at my body.
This was a welcome and much needed moment of serenity. More than two years ago when we decided to add a second child to our family I knew it would challenge me. I knew there would be times I would see my patience waning and feel frazzled. I knew there would be times when one child was sick and the other needed to be taxied somewhere. But the days of feeling frazzled are more frequent and feel so much heavier on me than I’d anticipated.
When I was working I wanted nothing more than to be home with my babies and I do still want that. This year, however, I’m feeling as though going to work would be much easier than staying home. The kids are rambunctious and often wrestle until someone gets hurt. They aren’t great at hearing me never mind listening. They are defiant and just plain bored. I’m bored. Two and Five. These ages are not easy. Kindergarten shuffling two and fro is not easy. Maybe it’s just the tail end of winter making me feel this way. Maybe the cold and snow and grey skies are getting to me more than I think.
I don’t want to rush my babies through this stage and yet I can’t stop thinking about next year. Next year the oldest will be in school full time. She will have an entire day full of people to challenge her and engage with her. The youngest will be out of the ‘terrible twos’ and I might even be able to put him in some kind of early learning program. And if not, we’ll have lots of one on one time to really connect. Next year will be fantastic. Bring on the sun.