4.45am – Husbands alarm clock goes off
5.15am – Husband opens and closes multiple baby gates and the front door as he takes the dog out to pee.
5.30am – Husband re-opens and closes multiple baby gates and the front door as he brings dog back in.
5.31am – Husband leaves for work.
5.32am – Urge to pee, get up, pee, check 3 year old to make sure she is covered up because she refused to have her heater on due to ‘scariness’ and it’s freakin cold in the house.
5.35am – Back to bed, listening to hips crack and pop while trying to get comfortable.
6.25am – finally fall back to sleep.
6.30am – Hear asshole cat #1 push open door to 3 year olds room and commence ‘meowing seranade’ in her honor.
6.30am – fly out of bed as fast as an 8.5 month pregnant woman can go, kick asshole cat #1 out of kids room, tell her to go back to sleep and re-tuck her in.
6.31am – crawl back into bed, marvel at how 3 year old actually went back to sleep.
6.35am – listen to asshole cat #1 beg for attention, pat the bed to call him up, let him molest me so he won’t bust into kids room again.
6.45am – sleep
6.46am – listen to asshole cat #1 and asshole cat #2 wage full on war on the bed beside my head.
6.47am – punch them in their stupid faces.
6.48am – hear asshole cat #1 meowing his serenade in b flat from some unknown location.
6.49am – urge to pee.
6.50am – get up to pee, discover asshole cat #1’s hiding spot as he lacerates my wrist while I’m reaching for the T.P. He has hidden between the shower curtain and the shower curtain liner…the acoustics are great in there, yo.
6.52 – back to bed, slightly bleeding.
7.00 – more hip discomfort and now the baby is kicking the crap out of his womby home.
7.10 – baby has settled down, hunger has set in, listen to tummy growl.
7.25 – fall asleep.
7.30 – hear “Mom! I’m awake!” coming from 3 year olds room.
7.31 – Get up.
8.00am – head to Starbucks.