How a Pregnant Mom Goes Insane Before 7.30 AM

Asshole cat #1

4.45am – Husbands alarm clock goes off

5.15am – Husband opens and closes multiple baby gates and the front door as he takes the dog out to pee.

5.30am – Husband re-opens and closes multiple baby gates and the front door as he brings dog back in.

5.31am – Husband leaves for work.

5.32am – Urge to pee, get up, pee, check 3 year old to make sure she is covered up because she refused to have her heater on due to ‘scariness’ and it’s freakin cold in the house.

5.35am – Back to bed, listening to hips crack and pop while trying to get comfortable.

6.25am – finally fall back to sleep.

6.30am – Hear asshole cat #1 push open door to 3 year olds room and commence ‘meowing seranade’ in her honor.

6.30am – fly out of bed as fast as an 8.5 month pregnant woman can go, kick asshole cat #1 out of kids room, tell her to go back to sleep and re-tuck her in.

6.31am – crawl back into bed, marvel at how 3 year old actually went back to sleep.

6.35am – listen to asshole cat #1 beg for attention, pat the bed to call him up, let him molest me so he won’t bust into kids room again.

6.45am – sleep

6.46am – listen to asshole cat #1 and asshole cat #2 wage full on war on the bed beside my head.

6.47am – punch them in their stupid faces.

6.48am – hear asshole cat #1 meowing his serenade in b flat from some unknown location.

6.49am – urge to pee.

6.50am – get up to pee, discover asshole cat #1’s hiding spot as he lacerates my wrist while I’m reaching for the T.P.  He has hidden between the shower curtain and the shower curtain liner…the acoustics are great in there, yo.

6.52 – back to bed, slightly bleeding.

7.00 – more hip discomfort and now the baby is kicking the crap out of his womby home.

7.10 – baby has settled down, hunger has set in, listen to tummy growl.

7.25 – fall asleep.

7.30 – hear “Mom!  I’m awake!” coming from 3 year olds room.

7.31 – Get up.

8.00am – head to Starbucks.



  1. LMAO! I remember a night somewhat similar to that when I was pregnant with Lauren… She was like a ninja. If I got up to pee with the light on, she’d be awake for HOURS. I think this was pretty hilarious, heather! Get a nap today!

    • I’m hoping she’ll start sleeping in a bit once she’s not on the dayhome / work week schedule. We shall see! It’s rough isn’t it? 🙂

  2. What a fun morning! LOL I have three cats so I know how they can be. It seems like they wait until the worse moment to get into something or start howling. AHHHH! I hope you’re having a better day!

  3. Glad to see you got in a nap girl. You had a pretty rough morning. You are a lot better then me, I would have tossed those cats out on the street. With pregnant hormones and all , yeah they are lucky to still be in the house

  4. oh my goodness – I am 27 weeks pregnant and going through the same thing! Except my 3 year old when she wakes up but I still want sleep climbs into my bed. So there I am trying to sleep/rest and thud, thud, kick! snuggle is my 3 yo. FUN

    And then the cat meows for water. My stupid cat is so freaking spoiled she refuses water from a dish, it has to be from the faucet. So I have to walk to the bathroom, turn on the faucet and go back to bed.

    Cats suck.

  5. LOL I have an asshole cat, too. We call him the beautiful, but demon possessed cat. And he is beautiful. But the little fucker peed on my foot yesterday morning at 6:30 am.

    I was sleeping.

    In my bed.

    I almost killed him.

    My FAVORITE line is “discover asshole cat #1′s hiding spot as he lacerates my wrist while I’m reaching for the T.P.”. I have had similar situations.

  6. Oh snap – she actually went back to bed? Your kid needs to have a serious talk with my kid.

    Oh and can totally relate. My cats HATE each other and desperately try to grab any attention they can, then they look all surprised when you get mad at them.

    Like “Whaaaaaa? You mean its wrong to be tapping you on the head when you’re trying to sleep? Huh… Well ya, I know you’ve gotten mad at me the other 18 years of my life, but I thought rules were changing. Ooops, my bad! Go back to sleep. I’m just going to go to the bottom of the stairs and cry out loud …. Whaaaaa? That’s still not allowed either? Bummer!”

    Glad to hear you got your nap Heather!


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